Entry #68
Some new words landed in my consciousness this week and they sparked a huge amount of insight into the physical container I call my body. Not brand new insight, just evolved, more precise insight.
I’d like to tell you about it - but it might take a few attempts, so let’s just start and see where this entry takes us.
The new words that came to me this week arrived as I drove to the swimming pool and thought about changing into my swimsuit. The words were something I imagined myself saying, maybe as an explanation…? I’m not sure…
“I am highly conditioned to notice other women’s bodies and body shapes - and to think that other people will notice my body and form a view of it as well.”
Wow. A big chunk of clarity arrived. I do look at bodies. I was raised to see bodies as objects that could be ‘good’ or ‘not so good’, ideally thin and feminine. They are to be noticed - how else can they be classified? The explanation for this conditioning…my dear mother. She passed on her own wonky conditioning and so ours was a household of diet talk, fashion talk, make up talk and more…
My sister and I regularly unpack this aspect of our childhood.
So back to me, here I am at the age of nearly 43 and I have finally started to unlearn some stuff, sort out the disordered thinking I have about bodies and look more bravely at the flesh sack I, myself, am living in. Looking at myself is something I have avoided for years because it has been a task quite laden with judgement, shame and mental blocks.
2022: my body has changed shape this year. I notice this not in the way I expected. I’m not celebrating shrinkage (‘yay! this bit is smaller! go me!’) no, I’m just noticing shape change in a pretty neutral way. I’ve got muscular definition in new places and oodles more strength and mobility. I’ve lost weight and some people have noticed, but not everyone. I’m almost certain that my mum will heap positive attention on this change when I see her in December. That makes me feel nervous about her visit. No doubt I will write about that at a later date.
I am firmly against the glorification of weight loss (sorry, no before/after photos today), but I’ve learnt new words for body shapes and feel quite ‘seen’ in the inverted triangle type.
Image credit: The Concept Wardrobe
My shoulders are indeed broad and wide, wider than my hips. I am a good swimmer, the classic activity that is matched to this body shape. The shape of me in the water, that day I swam lengths, felt different too.
Why have I changed shape? That I can answer, but I won’t address how it happened. That would perpetuate the exercise/diet talk roundabout that I think a lot of us need to escape from. Why I changed shape was simply an outcome of getting clearer on how I want to age.
It was not a simple outcome, it has been a three year journey - but it was a direct result from doing the thinking about ageing and deciding I wanted to be healthy. Some people ask me, ‘what are you training for? An event?’ and I reply, ‘I’m training for old age’.
So I do healthier things now, more often - and it’s changed the shape of me, but it’s also made me notice my conditioned thinking too.
And that is all for today. As always, I look forward to hearing what you heard, saw and felt when reading this.
With love,
Michelle xx
ps. the inverted triangle puzzle piece came from working with Caitlin Taylor and doing a wardrobe audit earlier this year. She is fab.
pps. if you want to review the nine dot puzzle from last week, check out this video from 51:00 minutes onwards.
It's so important to have these conversations about not perpetuating the societal diet culture / excessive focus on 'good' and 'not good' bodies we've all been raised in. In raising girls (I know it's not just girls, just simply my experience), I'm so acutely aware of it all...the language we use, the parts of the process of change we choose to focus on, the things we as parents can influence but knowing that not everyone is on this journey yet and we're not their only influence... I love that you're having this conversation and approaching it with such thought and consideration x
Thanks for sharing the 9 dot puzzle solution!
And good on you for focusing on making healthier choices.
-Riikka